Letter to My Daughter

Other writer’s do it (end sentences in prepositions? – a pretentious rule that I disavow).  They record and catalogue the growth of their children.  Man, that makes it sound like some job in a library.  Anyway, now it’s my turn and I hope it is not too late.  A letter to my daughter, now a month away from being two years old.  And I’m writing only a fortnight after the New Year.

            I’m proud and all that, daughter, and hope (and do think) that you know it already by how your mom and I treat you.  You are terrific and smart and cute and are doing something new that is pleasing and astonishing every day.  And now as you get a firm grasp on language let me say something that you may soon truly understand: welcome to this world.

            I won’t say something like, “I wish I could be pleased to welcome you here but it is kind of not the best place to be given the wars and conflict, a polluted environment, and leadership dragging its flock through the capitalist mire”.  Well there, I guess I said it anyway.  But I don’t really believe that.  There, I said that too.  Bottom line is I accept this world.  I can tell you daughter that I want you to enjoy this world as I have and I believe you are in a good place (geographically and temporally) to do it in.

            Yeah there are forces at play in the world that seem inimical to humanity – some people only care about themselves.  You must always care about others.  This is an idea that was instilled in me during my early Catholic years.  Now, after leaving that faith behind I feel I am emerging from the tunnel of existentialism.  This subterranean passage did permit meaning to be found, but made it the sole responsibility of the isolated and fallen individual.  This made sense then and I still believe you have to strive on your own, be comfortable with who you are.  However, we are all connected on this earth.  If current cosmological theory holds then everything in the universe was once contained in something the size of pea.  Put that way then simply in a literal sense everything in the universe was once together.  But beyond this materialist thought: I hope to go beyond science and the quantitative to say we all connect on a deeper level.

            Spiritual level.  Okay, that word has been tough for me to recover.  What did I recover it from?  I mentioned previously my early Catholic association.  Well it was in the Catholic church that I learned of spirituality.  Soulfulness.  And it was in the church that spirituality lost its enchantment for me.  The ideas present could not be mapped over the world as it is.  Basically I thought most people around me were hypocrites.  What is the point of espousing universal love and believe that you do when really you are a self-serving individual who at most really cared only for your family?  Harsh I know.

            Being spiritual can be recovered by ignoring the institutions that have cornered the market on ideas of goodness and humanity.  Those people weren’t all bad back then, they only weren’t questioning the world.  Any good spirituality must allow for questions and for learning.  You must want more and not just have it handed to you.  The world doesn’t have to be how it is right now.  In fact, looking at history (a fair indicator I really think), change is inevitable.

            So I’m being vague about the idea of being spiritual.  Honestly it still has the smell of the church on it, or a slightly ugly glow that keeps me away and makes it uncomfortable to talk about.  Well, if it is good, it will shine purely and you will know it.  Mentioning glow and color and feeling: these are words of spirituality.  There is power in good thoughts.  If you find beauty in something, see its true essence and it is beautiful, then it probably is good. 

            Now to reveal my confusion.  I am not a typical member of society as far as being currently unemployed and being a student at the age of 35.  I have fit in in the recent past (being employed).  I am married with (an awesome) kid.  So I’m kind of normal, I guess.  I say my confusion, confusion being a feeling that brings discomfort.  Uncertainty.  Questioning.  Maybe you can see where I’m going with this: being somewhat not at ease can be a good thing.  I don’t feel like I 100% fit in and that lets me see things from a different angle. 

            It not easy to say this.  There is a fear in this society of talking about how we really feel.  Facades are erected and we do just want to fit in.  I’m afraid that I can’t talk because I have no basis to tell anyone anything – maybe if I had a job (how many mentions of work is that?) and a good one at that, maybe then it would be okay to share my authoritative thoughts with you.  That is my fear.  It is status anxiety (have to say I love Alain de Botton’s book by that title).  Some fear is good but when it becomes the social glue of a corrupt social order then anything that dissolves that fear is a good thing.

            It won’t be easy.  Growing up.  In my life so far I’ve taken the Pyrrhonist skeptics view.  Pyrrho the Greek philosopher had to be steered away from dangerous street traffic by his followers.  They had to make sure he didn’t walk out windows.  The connection of one action was cut off from the results of that action.  I’ll fall if I step out the window?  Why?  This subsurface incomprehension is still with me though I have made gains.  I choose to be part of the world and understand that you have to pay to play, or you have to earn your keep, or you have to accept a little suffering along the way, you must make sacrifices.  My early life I was uncertain as to what good a sacrifice would do me.  I was happy to just be.  Ignoring the possibility of happiness.  You have to go out in the world and get involved in order to figure out yourself.  Pyrrho’s inability was a disability.  Understand that you are connected to others and they to you.

            The comedian Lewis Black said nothing good ever comes out of the suburbs.  Well, you don’t live in a standard contemporary suburb but you do live in a suburb-modeled culture where all is supposed to be neat and orderly if not for any other reason than to mask the unwholesome stuff that forms its foundation.  Be willing to venture out of what is considered to be the right way of living by everyone else.  Do it just for the sake of being unique if you have to.

            Joe Strummer said you have to be real f**ked to do anything creative.  There is something to this.  There does need to be some tension to get you to think and respond.  Questions must be asked and answered.    Your mom and I want to provide you with a stable future.  Too many people are falling on rough times financial, people are getting divorced.  We don’t want this to be the source of your creative tension.  I’ve known a few people who seem to springboard off a trouble youth.  They are a given a devil-may-care attitude once their parents split.  The future is uncertain which makes it scary but we really love you and want a stable home – and to conclude this idea, a stable home must be truly stable and not another façade.  Your mom and I have had some rough spots, even now with me not having a job, but we are in love and dare I say meant to be together.

            These are a few thoughts – to be continued.  For now I will post them and print them out and put them in one of the baby books that we have for you.  Read on someday and of the stuff of mine you read let you hopefully be convinced that your pops at least somewhat reasons things out.